The Happiest Day

June 2, 2009

203 words
25 June 2008
The Times
Times2 3
English
(c) 2008 Times Newspapers Limited. All rights reserved

According to Dr Cliff Arnall, and several willing newspapers, Friday was the happiest day of the year. It must be; there is A Formula. Happiness = O + N x S + Cpm/T + He. It’s where O = being outdoors, N is connection with nature, S is socialisation, Cpm is positive childhood memories, T is temperature (we presume in celsius) and He is expectation of holiday.

Arnall is wrong, January 1 was the happiest day. On that day, Badstats was indoors (O = 0, N = 0). No holiday was expected (He = 0). Badstats has only one positive childhood memory of this date, when Motherstats set the little Statses a fun differential equation. As yet unpromising – but Badstats was in Aviemore, and it was zero degrees. Thus, happiness = 0 + 0 + 1/0 + 0, which, as we are dividing by zero, is infinite. Infinity divided by 60 million people is still infinity, so this is the country’s happiest day. Arnall was sponsored by Wall’s Ice-Cream. Who will sponsor our happiest day? Alka Seltzer?

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